


What You Wanted

by kyojinkyoto



Series: What You Wanted [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Anxiety, Cancer, Depression, M/M, Punk!Levi, Self-Harm, The fault in our stars, ereri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-11
Updated: 2014-07-30
Packaged: 2018-02-08 11:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1938435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyojinkyoto/pseuds/kyojinkyoto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren just wanted to die, to get rid of his life. Getting a gift in life wasn't something that he had looked for. Until he found out what gifts were in store.</p><p>[[ I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING. TFIOS IDEA GOES TO JOHN GREEN, AND ALL THE CHARACTERS FROM SNK GO TO THE CREATORS. ALL I OWN IS THE WRITING ]]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Support Groups

**Author's Note:**

> [[ UPDATE: I HAVE CHANGED AND EDITED THE STORY, SO THAT ITS A LITTLE LESS..WELL, COPIED I GUESS. PLEASE READ AGAIN AND NOTE THE DIFFERENCES. ]]
> 
> // I'm so excited to start this series off!
> 
> I've been wanting to write a fanfiction for so long, and finally I get to do it! I based this off of TFIOS, if you haven't guessed already. It was a thing that I thought I could just relate Ereri too, and my love for writing angst, and depression, and anxiety. We haven't even gotten to that bit yet, so stay tuned! I'll try to upload new chapters and update by the week, so look out for the next chapter sometime next week! Thank you all for this. eue 
> 
> Tumblr = xalivetomeatleast [ Message me if you want! ]

Life isn’t a wish granting factory. You can’t always get what you want, and life is a bitch, it’s true. Life messes with your heart, grabs you by the skin and pulls you apart bit by bit. It rips at you, testing out your ability to survive, and if so, you are granted with gifts. Gifts that can come in many forms. Like, winning the lottery, or getting a new phone, or even just for once being able to have a perfect day, where nothing goes wrong. And everything is right.

My gift came in a different form.

My name is Eren Yaeger. I’m 18, a student, and live in a normal house, with normal parents. But the main thing about me that you’d probably like to know is that I am a cancer survivor. Well, still surviving really. I have a form of heart cancer. It ends up giving me extreme shortness of breath and my chest usually hurts alot. My chances of getting a heart attack are 40% more than an average person, considering my case of heart cancer is only primary. But some days I just long for the day I have that one heart attack that would kill me. That would put me to rest. Thats why I don't make friends.

I'm going to die. One day, i'm going to explode, and wound the people around me. The people I love, the people who love me, the things I cherish…everything. My parents are always talking to me about how I need to go out, and make some friends, try and get someone to hang out with. They’re worried I have depression, basically. They’re the type of parents that worry about you 24/7 and even if you go out to the store to get some food, I get greeted with 20 phone calls from them asking why I’m taking so long. 

Apparently, 5 minutes is way too long for them.

Meeting friends isn’t usually a thing that I would consider. I have a friend, at least, and I’m happy with just him. His name’s Armin, and I met him in a math club I was forced to go to. He’s a real nerd, but that didn’t bother me. He’s really clever, and friendlier than you can imagine. He’s obsessed with travelling, so much that he’s marked off places on a map that he’d like to go to. Including Japan, United Kingdom, China, Australia…more places I could even name. We’ve been friends for almost 2 years now, and he’s the friend you would go to when you need to brag, cry, or just talk to when you feel down. I’m always feeling down, always feeling like I need more in life. I need a reason to live, because right now, the only thing I’m fighting for is my parents who I don’t think will cope well with my death. Usually parents grieve for a couple months, maybe a year, and then move on to their lives. My parents, would most likely grieve for 10 years and then maybe, maybe they would consider trying to live properly again.

That’s not what I want.

I want to die having made a difference that lives on, having made at least something remember me, not just my relations to family, but I want to make a change in something, some _one._ I wanted to fix something in this world, like pollution, maybe fix the abuse that happens in the world, or even just get my word out. I don’t know. 

Like the book I read, _An Imperial Affliction,_ a very famous book by Irvin Smith, he got his message out by writing a whole book, and it’s extremely famous. I want to be like him, I want to have my word out into the public, and have _my_ say. This world isn’t a wish granting factory, and you need to make the most of it yourself.

“Eren!”

I jolted, the voice calling me from the hallway interrupted my thoughts. I placed my pen down into the desk and stood up from my chair and walked to the door of my room and peeked my head out to see my Mom standing with a bright smile. “Morning.”

“Hi, Mom.” I replied, feeling my tiredness crawling at my eyes as I struggled to keep them open, sighing to myself.

“I hope you’re going to the Support Group today.” She said, turning to walk into the kitchen.

I completely forgot about the Support Group that was hosting today. After having been through the suffers of cancer, my parents assigned me to go to the church and join in on one of those events which gathers a bunch of ill teenagers, sitting them in a circle and talking about their feelings and the pain of cancer and the side-effects. I’d only been twice, because for me, really, it was just a boring atmosphere. I didn’t have any friends there, and I just felt…like I wasn’t supposed to be there. I just wanted to be a teenager, where I can just go out shopping with friends and go to the movies, play sport, just to have fun.

I wanted to be normal.

“Do I have to?” I grumbled, grabbing a piece of toast that was on the kitchen side placed on a plate, and took a bite from it.

My Mom sighed. “You haven’t been for a week. I honestly think it’d be good for you to go! It helps you to set aside your problems of cancer and talk to people who understand and --”

“I don’t want people who understand, I want people who can take me away from my problems.” My voice cracked slightly, sighing to myself. I always had these conversations with my parents, and they never seemed to get the message. “I’ll go, but it doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy it.”

“Good!” My Mom exclaimed, broadening her smile at me, making me wince slightly as I took another bite from my toast I held in my hand. “I’ll get your medication for you to take, anything else you need?”

“Mom, I’m 18.”

“So?”

“I can take care of myself.”

“…That’s doubtful.”

“What?”

“Nothing!” She said, grinning at me again, turning around. “Meet me at the door by 10:45.” Her words whisked through me, as she walked away and into the living room. With another sigh, I pulled myself back, walking back into my bedroom. Still wearing my pyjamas, I groaned slightly and took a long breath of air, my body relaxing. Why couldn't I breathe properly? Why did my heart have to be the one to go wrong and fuck me over? Why wasn't I normal? _Normal._ What did that word mean anyway? Isn’t that just a word we use for the stereotyped human? Why was normal such an enduring word to me? Whenever I heard it, I just thought of my friends. They were able to live their life, free, like Armin. He could travel all he wanted, play sport, and go to the movies without having to stop and take deep breaths every 5 seconds and get chest pain in the middle of the night.

Shaking my head, I looked up and pulled some clothes from my wardrobe. A black collared t-shirt, white jeans, and a black and blue baseball hat that I had had for a while, still fitting me. I quickly got changed, feeling my ability to breathe properly getting slimmer.

I walked over to my desk and looked at my notebook I had been writing in, and let out a small breath, before picking it up and putting it into my bag, along with a pen, glasses, an apple, and my phone. I hardly used my phone, ever, but I just decided to take it in case. Looking at the time, I saw that it read ’10.:46’, making my eyebrows rise.

“EREN!”

There it was.

 

“Go, quickly, it’s almost 11!”

My Mom said, pushing me as I began to get out of the car. A grumble rumbled in my throat, and I pushed the car door shut, pulling my jeans up slightly as I began to walk away. “Bye Mom, love you.” I replied, looking around to see her.

“Love you too!” She called, waving. _Jesus Christ, please stop waving._ Obviously, she didn’t, and her brightening grin on her face made me raise an eyebrow at her actions. “Make some friends!” Another call came, I just waved her off, and continued walking to the church door. I opened the door, pushing myself in as I looked around the room. I knew this place quite well. It’d not like I didn’t have a clue where I was going.  I ran my hand through my hair, sighing gently through my mouth as I entered the room where all the chatting was coming from. I was quite late, people were already sitting down. My eyes scanned the room to see who was there from last time.

Jean was there, a guy with strange hair and a face like a horse. He’s an asshole, that’s all you need to know. His boyfriend was sat next to him, Marco. Marco Bott. He was nice, completely opposite to Jean, surprisingly. He had freckled cheeks and completely black, matted hair that sat nicely on top of his head. The others I saw I hadn’t seen before. I shrugged slightly to myself and walked forward, clearing my throat as I saw that drinks and snacks were set out like always. I saw everybody chatting, sharing stories and all the kind.

Taking a seat, I sat back, breathing through my nose as my eyes scanned the people around me.

There was a girl, reddish hair, stuffing her face with a packet of chips and eyes darting around the room. Then a boy, shaved head, sat quite close to the girl, whispering words to her as the girl listened to him, looking extremely interested it whatever he had to say. Sat next to him was a girl, pretty to say the least, with golden blond hair that swayed down her shoulders like the ocean, her hands tucked in her lap.

My eyes moved along the row, and I was startled by what I next saw.

A pair of dark eyes were locked on me.

I had no idea why, or even who this person was, but those eyes were definitely staring at me. All I did was stare back, not quite sure how to react. He was expressionless, no smile, no frown, no glint in his eyes. But they were _definitely_ staring at me. I tried to ignore it, clearing my throat and looking around the rest of the circle to look for new faces, but I felt his gaze burn into my skin, and the feeling didn’t disappear. I hated the feeling of being watched, which I had gotten quite used to, being the way I am, always having trouble breathing. I was always being watched, and it wasn’t a great feeling. But this…this was new. I felt my cheeks flush and I cleared my throat. My eyes darted back to the person staring at me, still. I examined him for a moment. He looked older, maybe in his 20’s? He had black messy hair that lay on top of his shaved hair underneath. He was wearing a baggy sweatshirt, with jeans, and was holding his phone in one hand. He had a nose piercing, and his thin eyebrows scaled over his skin like a tattoo. Not to mention his eyes, dark, and almost intimidating. About to speak up, I was interrupted when the speaker walked in and sat down.

“Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Literal Heart of Jesus!”

The speaker was Hanji, Hanji Zoe. She was a good friend of mine, way back, and to my family. Her goal was to be a teacher, until she got an unexpected hit of cancer, not sure what type it was as she never usually shared her story, but it must’ve been bad. She quit her dream, and after winning her battle over cancer, she started a Support Group for the town of Trost. She was a great inspiration, but also quite strange, in fact. But who didn’t have their slight bit of strangeness?

“I’m Hanji, as you all may know, even though I’m seeing a few new faces here today, and – Oh!” Her eyes locked on mine, and her eyes brightened, and she grinned. “Eren! It’s so good to see you here today!”

“You too, Hanji. Thanks.” I replied, faking a big grin at her.

“Wonderful. Okay, why don’t you start us off then for all the newcomers?” Her glasses flashed as he spoke to me. Usually to start off the session, you would stand up and say your name, age, condition, and how you were doing. It was an annual thing, I had learnt, and It was a good way to start things off. I nodded to her, standing myself up and saw the faces of all the people attending turn to stare at me. I gulped at the attention and fed my hands into my pockets. Of course, the stare I took in the most, was the one from the dark-eyed man sat to the right of me.

“My name is Eren Yaeger, I’m 18, I have a form of Heart cancer, and I’m doing okay.” I spoke, my voice in a boring tone, cracking now and then, before I sat down afterwards.

“Great! Okay…who wants to go next?” Hanji looked around the room, until the reddish haired girl stood.

“I will! Okay, um, my name is Sasha Braus, I’m 17, and I have Hepatoma, a cancer of the liver, and I’m doing wonderfully!” Her voice was quite chirpy, the voice you would find in a typical teenage schoolgirl. I watched her sat down, the boy next to her patting her back.

We continued down the row of people, learning about all of them, and the cancers that each had been diagnosed with. Jean, the asshole, had ocular melanoma, a cancer of the eye. He said that he had a chance of turning blind in the next few weeks, which I had no idea about. I was quite pitiful for him, but I just sighed, and looked away and listened for the others. I had zoned out during the rest of the people talking, which I knew was bad, but I just couldn’t help it. I got distracted easily.

That was until a dark voice spoke, interrupting my thoughts and making me shiver.

“I’m Levi. I’m 25, and I have a form of Brain Cancer, which causes me to have a loss of memory, and concentration." He muttered, his voice boring, and low it seemed. His voice was dark, and suddenly his eyes were met with mine, making me jump slightly.

“And I have no reason to live anymore."

Leaving the room in silence, he sat down, eyes only on me.


	2. Conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Thank you all for the kudos and feedback on my last chapter! I'm so glad you all liked it, and you all were interested in reading it, I hope. Here is Chapter 2! If you have already read Chapter 2, note that I changed a few things, so I recommend going back to look at the changed that I made, just so you get an idea of the changes in this chapter too. There's a small TRIGGER WARNING in this chapter for self-harm, only small mentions though, so just be aware. 
> 
> Also, LEVI AND EREN INTERACTIONS
> 
> ANOTHER THING: Please follow my Levi ask blog on tumblr! ask-british-rivaille
> 
> Enjoy!

“Well – thank you for that…Levi.” Hanji spoke, giving the rest of the members a slightly scared and troubled look. The members returned her look, excluding me. “Anyone have any comments?”

My eyes were just staring at the ground, fingers threaded into each other as I felt my heart pump, working 2x as fast as it usually would. Levi’s words stuck in my brain like a tumour, as the rest of the words spoken from Hanji were separated out of my mind. _No reason to live anymore?_ I remembered myself at that stage. In my bathroom, breathing hard as my blood-shot eyes were darting around, and my heart’s pulse beating in my head. As my eyes looked down, my arms covered in a red liquid that I always seemed to see soak out of me. Deep wounds sliced in my arms, the banging of the door as my parents screamed for me to open it, my head just spiralling, and the same words going through me.

_Why am I alive? Why am I alive?_

I was taken to the hospital when my parents finally broke down the door, woken up to seeing my arms in bandages and tubes feeding into my nose to give me spare oxygen. My parents were sat on the end of the bed, their tear-stained cheeks, and eyes red with obvious phases of crying. They just stared at me, wide eyed, hand in hand. That was when I was reminded of why I was alive. For them. My reason for living, their one and only child. If I was gone, I could just see it. Their crying nights, feeing tissues into her noses as they stared at pictures of me, smiling before I was diagnosed. The days that I had no reason to kill myself, the days where I didn’t even think about anything else but living. Now, all I think about is dying. Because, it will happen, obviously. Everyone dies, we know that, it’s a human process of decay. But some just want to get out earlier than others.

My eyes darted back into reality, looking at my arms as I saw a cut showing, so I pulled my jacket’s sleeve down to cover it up, and looked up to see if anyone had saw. Hanji was still talking, so all eyes were on her even, surprisingly, Levi’s were.

“—may seem like that you don’t have a purpose, Levi, but life is beautiful. We just need to open our lives and see it for ourselves.” Hanji finished, her eyes looking into Levi’s, just getting given a dead look back at her. She sighed, her hand running over her forehead, as if she was trying to wipe away a headache with her hand. “Not very talkative, are we?” She murmured, almost to herself. Then, she shook her head and turned her eyes to mine, making me sink into my chair. “Eren, why don’t you share your thoughts?”

“—Thoughts about what?”

“The meaning of life.”

_Well, that was quite a big topic to put on one person._

“Um…” I began, eyes darting down as my fingers fiddled with each other as I thought of what to say. Public speaking wasn’t a great thing for me, usually I chickened out. But if it’s a subject that I’m quite keen on, I could go on for hours. My eyes rose to the stares from the other members. “I don’t think there’s a real…reason. There are many theories that we are here to live out on things until we die, and just experience life as it is just to reach our goal of leaving this world. Whether we go into afterlife, go to heaven, or just live as a ghost in this world. To be honest, no-one knows the real meaning of life. Who does? But we were given life, and a life that we hold out onto for the rest of our time on Earth. There is nothing to be completed, there are no goals, nothing we have to reach to go into afterlife. Our reason isn’t to gather as much money as possible, or have as many children as possible, or even to get a reasonable job and live in a great big house where you have one hundred maids and twenty thousand rooms. I believe, in my own personal opinion that we just have to experience it. The beauty of life. The beauty of human feelings, like love, pain, jealousy, faith, hope. All these feelings that we were granted to feel, they’re all so strong, and they serve us a purpose.”

“There are many things that suck in this world too, I know, you can’t single them out from the things that make life beautiful. An obvious one here is cancer, but there are many more. Eating disorders, depression, anxiety, self-harm, suicide, abuse, death, murder, disease, war…but if you think of those things on their own you would think that there is no meaning to life, right? That all there is on Earth is these horrible feelings, and horrible events that are witnessed and participated in every day. Even if you don’t see it, there is someone out there every second of the day thinking about killing themselves because they don’t think they have a purpose, just like you, Levi.” My head turned to the man, his eyes already on me. “No reason to life, no reason to even bother right? But even, _even_ if your life is just there to witness the stages of humanity, like a new device that can help cure cancer, the invention of the light bulb back in the day, or the invention of the internet that changed our life forever.”

“All these things…they’re so precious, and they’re what make us human. We evolved to live on this world as wonderful, beautiful creatures. People have changed that over time, and they didn’t follow the rules and what we were actually put here for. That’s why people think life sucks, and doesn’t even need to bother being here. That’s why people get the way they are nowadays.”

After I spoke, the room was silent, just eyes staring at me. I felt uncomfortable, my throat burned slightly, and my chest started to hurt a little. But I was glad that I had said what I did, said my words that I hadn’t been able to express for a while.

Then, a hand rose.

“I object.” It was Levi. “I don’t believe that we’re here just to look at life and see what it has to offer. We’re not fucking sightseeing, Yaeger.” Did he just address me with my last name? “Whatever, opinions are opinions. But I just strongly think that we’re here for some sort of reason. There has to be a reason. We can’t just be placed here like, ‘Oh yeah, do what you want for 100 years, and then you’ll die’. It just doesn’t make any sense. And what you said about people changing the world to be cruel? Life has always been cruel. From the first death, the first murder, the first time that war broke out. War has always been around, murder has always been around. It’s been right in front of our eyes and we were just too lazy to see it. Life is a shithole, that’s what I’ve learnt. And I’m surprised to have actually made it this far. There are beautiful things, yes, like our ability to love and ability to bear these feelings for others and feel the great feeling of faith inside your heart, giving it that special beat. But you know what tops that? All the crime, all the shit, all the murder, death, bullies, druggies, and all the people that think it’s funny to make someone commit suicide. Those people, _those people._ They top anything that is so called beautiful.”

After his speech, his eyes constantly at me, he sat back in his seat, pulling his hoodie over his head so it covered his face. I was stunned, to say the least. That those words had escaped this man, that I’d only just met, well not even met, and words that actually made me, a talkative teenager, speechless. My eyes darted to Hanji, who also was speechless, but she just cleared her throat.

“On that note, I think our session will end there! Thank you all for coming today.” She spoke, the big grin she had never leaving her mouth, her dimples showing clearly. People began to stand and leave, and I sighed to myself, standing myself.

“Oh, wait, Eren!” Her voice interrupted me as I began to leave, and I turned to look at her. “May I have a word?”

I nodded to her, and then walked over back to where she was sat. I took a seat next to her, seeing people standing up to leave. Including Levi, hands tucked in his sweatshirt’s pockets as he walked off through the door. I turned my attention back to Hanji, feeing my hands into my lap as he shuffled back against the seat. “What is it you wanted to talk to me about?” I questioned her. She hesitated for a moment, but patted my shoulder and smiled slightly.

“I got worried about you, y’know, Eren. You hadn’t turned up for a week. Usually I thought your mother would force you to go, because that’s the overprotective woman I see in her.”

“Yeah, actually…I wouldn’t be here now if it wasn’t for her, so. You have her to thank.” I said, faking a small smile to hang on my lips.

“Well I’m still very glad you came, whoever it is that made you come.” Hanji replied, her smile creasing into her cheeks as she patted my shoulder once again, then sighing to herself, fiddling with her fingers. “So – that Levi is quite a character, hm?” She brought up. I looked at her, quite shocked she would bring him up. I awkwardly shrugged and just scratched my neck slightly. “Did you see him staring at you? I started to think you were both friends. It was just a stare too, did you see his face? It was like he was dead, just staring into your soul with –“

“Yeah, Hanji. I saw. I’d rather not talk about it.” My voice came out more croaky than I expected it too. I sighed and my eyes found an interest in the floor as I shuffled in my chair uncomfortably. My eyes roamed the floor as I let out a long breath. “He had some thoughts, for sure. Left me speechless. No-one leaves me speechless.”

“Then talk to him.”

My eyes rose to hers. “What?”

“Obviously he has an effect on you, and he sure is a mystery! He’s like a detective case that you could take on, to try and find out more about him! I mean, if he’s made you speechless and he too has cancer, you too could get along. If you…get past his…strangeness. But you’ll cope, I can tell you will!” Her eyes were bright, and she clapped her hands together.

“—I…dunno, I don’t really think—“

“Oh, god, look at the time. I have to go.” She said as she jumped up, pulling me with her, making me stumble on my feet slightly, and letting out a grumble. “I hope I can see you again next time, okay? Next session is on Sunday.” She spoke quickly, like she was readying me to go on a stage. “I’ll speak to you soon. Go talk to him!” She said quickly and giggled to herself, jumping in the air before she hurried out the door.

I told you she was weird.

I pulled myself to stand up properly, my back aching slightly as I started to walk towards the door. I rose my arm and looked at my watch wrapped around my wrist. _11:45._ God, today was going slow.

As I walked out of the entrance door, I saw the car park only have two or a few more cars. I scratched the back of my head, and noticed that my mom hadn’t arrived to pick me up yet. With a grumble in my throat I walked to the side, hands in my pockets as I leaned on the building wall, pulling out my phone. I plugged my headphones into my phone and put them both in my ears, blasting the rock music into my ears, letting out a relaxed sigh, my eyes closing. Usually all the music I had on my phone was to blast rock into my ears to block out the sounds of the very world around me. Fall Out Boy was one of my favourites. My Chemical Romance, You Me At Six, Rolling Stones, Arctic Monkeys…all those bands. They usually were there for me in my times of need to deal with my thoughts that didn’t shut up. I always –

My thoughts were interrupted as I felt a slap across my shoulder.

Eyes flew wide, as I pulled my headphone out of one of my ears and turned to the figure in front of me that just slapped me. “Do you fucking m—“ Wait. It was…

“Do I mind? No, I don’t fucking mind, you stupid idiot.” Levi snapped at me, his eyes glaring into mine as I realised who it was that just brought the pain into my arm. I rubbed my arm slightly and groaned slightly, making Levi’s eyebrows rise. Which, I may note, were extremely thin, like they were small slugs across his face. “You must be weak to think if that hurt. I use that to hit flies around my house.”

“I-I’m not weak!” Why did I stutter? I sighed, not realising that my hands were in fists. “It just surprised me is all.” My mutter came out small as I leaned back against the wall, turning back to the man. “Why did you hit me, anyway?”

“To get your attention, stupid ass.” The insults just kept coming. “I’ve been calling your dumb name for like 5 minutes. I even screamed at one point. How high was that music of yours?”

“Well, usually –“

“I didn’t want an answer.”

“But you –“

“Just shut up and listen.” I chose to just follow what he said. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a notebook, holding it out to himself. “This dropped out of your bag earlier, just thought I’d tell you. It’s quite interesting.” He murmured, chuckling.

“Wait,” My eyes widened and I reached for it, but he pulled back. “Did you…Did you read --,” I stopped myself and sighed. “Nevermind. Can I have it back? I need to go.”

“I don’t see anyone calling your name, Jaeger. Since you seem like you can’t drive yourself anywhere.”

“What is that, --”

“This notebook,” I sighed, irritated.

“Would you stop interrupting me?!”

“Hm…let me think. -- No.” He said and turned to lean against the wall with me, his eyes turning to the book as he opened it. “—is quite strange. I mean, for a kid like you.” He continued, flicking through my written words and drawings. “Usually I was drawing in notebooks when I was like, 12.” He muttered, like to himself, but I heard him alright. My fingers dug into my hand as it was curled up into a tight fist. I huffed and folded my arms, closing my eyes. “Like this, ‘Wake me up from this nightmare’, or…This poem. Why he will go before going / Did he know he was coming? / If not, he has no right to go, / He will call him in nick time, / If yes, he is a terrific big liar, / Death will put him on fire. / Had he come of his own? / If not, who had sent him and why? / Before answering this, he cannot die, / If life is such and such / He suffers too much,”

My cheeks flushed as he began reading a poem that I had found, and copied it into my notebook one night when I felt down. I took my chance, and snatched the notebook from the man, causing him to jolt and look up at me. “You can stop now, y’know.” I grumbled and looked away, full of embarrassment. I could _hear_ Levi’s smirk. I fumbled around, trying to stuff my notebook back into my bag.

“You write poetry, Yaeger?”

“I don’t…write it myself, I just…copy it out.” I mumbled, obviously lying to myself. I did write poetry now and then. It was thanks to Armin. He wrote poetry, still does, and he got me into it after teaching me the rules and how to one night when we had our first sleepover round his house, which I hardly ever go to.

“You’re a fucking terrible liar.” Levi chuckled, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a packet of cigarettes. I watched him as he lit one, and placed it into his mouth, holding it between his teeth as the smoke escaped his mouth. I just stared.

I’d never smoked before, but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think about it. My parents would be completely terrified, and sick to their stomachs if they found out that I had started smoking. As I watched him, I rose my eyebrows to watch the smoke blow out of his mouth. Obviously, I knew what happened when you smoked. About the tar and all the effects on the outside, and the inside, more importantly. Whenever I saw someone smoking outside their work, or just completely non-stop chain smoking, it made me feel sick.

“You look like you’ve never seen a cigarette before.”

I jolted as I was brought into reality, and rubbed my neck. “Of course I’ve seen one, they just…disgust me, I guess.” I mumbled and fiddled with my fingers, eyes darting down to the floor.

“Ah – the heart disease kid with hatred for smoking.” He chuckled, and I watched as he blew more smoke from his mouth. I felt my stomach jolt and I rose my hand to my mouth. “What, even that?” He grumbled, eyebrow rising.

“No, -- honestly, I’m...I’m fine.”

Then, he dropped the cigarette to the floor, and stepped on it, rubbing his foot on it to crush it onto the floor like a fly. I watched with wide eyes, looking back up into his dark ones as he stared at me, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “Why did you--? You just started it, right? Why did you stop?”

“Because,” He began and walked over to me, his smirk plastered on his face with his dark eyes staring into my brown orbs. “We don’t want the little pretty boy with all vomit over his clothes, do we?”

Then, he walked past me, smoke blowing into my face as he walked past with a breeze. Did he say…pretty? My blush spread over my cheeks, even over my nose as I just stood, awestruck. I rose my hand up to run over my cheek, and gulped, then I spun around. “Wait!”

His figure stopped.

“Why were you staring at me earlier?” I almost yelled, only earning a wave, and a small spoken;

“Until next time, Yaeger.”


	3. Phone Calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> // Thank you all for all the support and kudos and bookmarks! I appreciate all your comments and your love, it makes me feel so happy!
> 
> Just some Mikasa and Levi with Eren interactions for this chapter, need to build it up for the next chapter with Levi and Eren's scene when they're playing video games. Thank you all for your patience, and I'm so sorry this took so long! I've been extremely busy so, bare with me. >

The rest of the day went quickly past me, and before I knew it, it was evening, and I found myself lying on my bed with my eyes staring at the ceiling. My hands rest on my stomach and the sounds of my parents in the kitchen making dinner. I wasn’t going to lie, I wasn’t hungry at all, really. I never did get hungry. I usually concealed it down until the next day where I would eat something little, and the circuit continued. I hadn’t been diagnosed of an eating problem, as much as my parents had tried to force me to go get myself checked out at the hospital. But eventually, you get sick of a place like that. Where everyone around you is worrying about you and making a big cause out of you and your injuries.  Where there are sick people all around you, and crying families begging to see their dying child with cancer.

In no time, that would be me and my family.

I blinked, eyes setting on the door as I saw it open, interrupting my thoughts. Out popped a small figure, which was his sister, Mikasa. She was 8 years old, and she was pretty mature for her age, and she knew pretty much everything. The only special thing she had was a very severe case of Leukaemia. When she was born, I hadn’t been diagnosed yet, but Mikasa was straight away diagnosed, a few days after her birth. It had struck our parents with shock, tears, and just pure fear, the fear of losing their daughter. I had always thought of Mikasa as a pain, but when I fully understood what her cancer was, I was supportive, and I helped her through her worst. Helping my parents, too, was a big part of it.

Because of her having this, it caused her bones to become weak, which made her unable to walk properly. She ended up getting insured with a stand that helped her walk. She held in front of her, and leaned on it to help her walk, which caused her to be very slow. Most of the time we put her in a wheelchair, but she insisted on walking herself. Not that I blame her, I would feel pretty shitty if I needed someone’s help in doing a simple task as walking.

“Hi, Eren.” Her voice interrupted my thoughts as she stood at the door, awaiting me to approach her and help her through. Her stand caused her to be unable to walk through my door as it was wider than the door frame.

“Oh, right, sorry.” I stood. “Hi. Mikasa.” I said, walking towards her, causing her to hold her arms up with a bright grin on her lips. That grin that kept me smiling, and breathing, and my own eyes shimmering with reflection of her happiness. I picked her up gently and held her in my arms, and walking back to my bed and sat down, placing her on his lap. She bounced on my leg with a giggle escaping her lips. “Someone’s happy today.”

“Mom took me to school today.” She replied, her smile never leaving her lips. Another reason her condition affected Mikasa in her later years, was that she was unable to go to school anymore. She cried for days, trying to drag herself out of the bed to go back to school, yelling and kicking the floor and resisting to not be able to see her friends every day. Watching it every morning, It made me realise how much I didn’t matter. She had a reason to go to school, she had friends, and she had people there that would care if she was actually attending or not. They would look at her empty seat, and wonder ‘Where is Mikasa today?’, or ‘Oh, Mikasa’s not here.’ They cared. But when I attended school again one day, no-one cared. No-one greeted me, no-one actually cared if I was there or not. I’ve never felt needed, even with Armin by my side. I’ve never felt like anyone wanted to be by my side. My parents, that was a different story. That’s unconditional love, they have to love me. They have no choice. I’m their kid, I’m their own until I’m 20 something and have to move out with a partner or on my own or whatever God has in store for me.

“Oh?” I spoke with a rise of my eyebrow, smiling down at my sister. “What was it like? Did you see Sasha and the others?”

“Yep!” She said with excitement in her voice. “Mom says I may be able to go back to school in these few years. And everyone was so happy to see me! They all went to hug me until Mom had to stop them because they might have crushed me.” Her grin didn’t leave, and each time she spoke of something that seemed like the best thing to her, a small giggle escaped her lips. “I was so happy.” She murmured to me, leaning her head on my chest for a moment, breathing softly. She was listening to something, or she was concentrating. “Are you happy, brother?”

Her question came crashing in like a titan into a wall. How was I supposed to answer a question like that? In general? Right now? What did she mean? My life was doomed, I was going to crash down at one point and harm everything around me and I couldn’t stop it. But my life…is it genuine? Is there a meaning to it? Am I supposed to be happy?

“Well, what do you mean, Mikasa?” I replied, voice slightly shaking.

“Are you happy?” She responded, no meaning, as she lifted her head and stared with those eyes into mine. How could I say no? How am I supposed to answer?

“—Of course I am.” Came my response, with hurried words rushing from my mouth. What else was I supposed to say? _No, Mikasa, I’m suicidal and have no meaning in life and I just want to die. I am not happy at all, I hate my life._ That was the truth, but I couldn’t say that to my 8 year old sibling.

“Good. It’s good to be happy.” Mikasa’s reply came with a small sigh of relief it seemed, her head leaning on my chest again. “I’m happy. For now, anyway. I just want you to be happy with me, because if you’re not I can’t be settled. You know that right, brother?”

I was speechless, to say the least.

“Mom told me that you’ve been depressed and –“

“Oh my god, I’m not depressed!” I groaned, shaking my head. “Mom keeps saying I’m depressed and I’m not! Just because I sit inside and read books and don’t go outside doesn’t mean I’m so down that I’m depressed. Mikasa, trust me, I’m fine. I’m sane. And I’m certainly not depressed.” My rant finished with a small groan slipping from my throat as I remembered all the times my mom tried to get me outside because I was so ‘sad’ and so ‘down in the dumps’ that I needed friends to keep me sane, at least. I was sane. To my knowledge, anyway.

“Sorry, brother. I was just concerned, Mama sure is concerned about you. She cares so much about you, about _us._ ” She responded with a bright grin. I hadn’t heard that before. I knew she cared about me, and she does everything for me, and she loves me more than anything, I get it. I don’t need to hear it every day.

“Mikasa, darling!”

“Oh, Mama’s calling!” Mikasa giggled, bouncing again and lifting her arms up towards me. I smiled gently and picked her up in my arms and carried her back to the door where her stand was, and I slowly set her on the floor, placing her with the stand in front of her. She wobbled, and grabbed the stand in her hands tightly, looking up at me. “Thanks, brother.” She said with a bright grin, moving down the hallway slowly. I watched her go, before shutting the door behind me with a gentle sigh from my throat. I picked up my pace and walked over to my desk, placing myself down on my chair and laying my head on the desk, with my arms sprawled out in front of me.

My bag was laying down at my side, and I remembered that I had things to write, and to continue. I reached into my bag and pulled out my notebook, seeing that it was crinkled from my earlier encounter with that Levi character from the Support Group. My memories with him flooded into my mind, and I leaned back and rubbed my hand through my hair in frustration. Then, I stopped, and my cheeks flushed. He called me pretty. ‘Pretty boy’. What was that supposed to mean? He must’ve meant it horribly, like an insult. Calling him ironically pretty, like sarcastically that he wasn’t pretty, because I sure wasn’t pretty, in any sort. I'm a horrible mess.  Shaking my head, I opened my notebook and looked over a few of my notes from before, and my poems that I had written down.

“Hm…” I thought aloud, picking up a pen that lay to the side of me I began to write down, continuing the poetry that I was working on from earlier before the Support Group this morning. That was my usual morning routine, just wake up and start writing. I found piece in it. I found piece in writing down my thoughts in poems. It was something that set me away from all the drama and stupid shit in my life. I continued scribbling across the page, eyes focused on that part of the page, and that was until I spotted something in my vision. On the other side of the page was something written in blue. “What in the…” I muttered in confusion, flipping the page and seeing numbers written.

‘2 0 2-5 5 5-0 1 1 9’

Wait…

Was this a phone number?!

“Eh?!” I exclaimed with wide eyes and a flustered look on my face as my cheeks heated up. Why was there a phone number on his notebook?! Why would there be some random number just written messily in blue writing? Who could’ve—

My shocked expression faltered, and I knew exactly what had happened.

I picked up my mobile phone I hardly ever used, held it tightly in my hand as I typed out the phone number into my cell, and pressed the green button. I rose it slowly to my ear with a small sigh, and the phone dialled the number and began ringing.

Why the hell would he give me his phone number?

_One ring._

What could he want?!

_Two rings._

How in the –

“Hello?”

It only took two rings for him to answer? He must’ve been by his phone at the time to answer it that quickly.

“Levi, right?” I began, remembering the man from earlier today.

“—Who is this?”

“Oh, so you give a guy your phone number and blabber on about who’s calling you?”

“Oh, Yaeger. You.” A small chuckle was heard from the other end, and I rose an eyebrow slightly with a sigh. “Bare with me, brat, I have bad memory.” _Brat? Really?_ I knew he was going to insult me, but was ‘brat’ really necessary?

“I guessed.” I replied with a sigh, and then I just shook my head. “Whatever. Anyway, why did you give me your phone number?”

“Why are you asking such a pathetic question?” Yep, of course.

I sighed through my mouth, and scratched the top of my head. “Why should I not be? You gave me your phone number, I’m asking why.”

“So you can call me, dumbass. What other reason would I have?”

“I know that, I’m not as stupid as you think I am, Levi. I just wondered, since we’re not exactly friends, and –“

“’Not exactly’? We’re not friends in the slightest.”

“I know that we’re not friends, that’s what I just said. Anyway, yeah, giving me your phone number just results in another contact I don’t ever get in touch with. If we’re not friends, why the hell would you give me your phone number? There’s not point if we won’t talk. The only times we would see each other is that stupid Support Group, if you ever go to that again.” My voice was croaky as I slumped down on my bed, sighing and closing my eyes as I help my phone to my ear with soft breaths escaping me.

“Just shut up for one second, all you do is blabber.” Levi’s voice sounded tired, and annoyed, so I shut my mouth and let him talk. “I came to that Support Group because I wanted to, I wasn’t forced, I just wanted to go because I had nothing better to do. The people there annoyed me, every one of them. They were chipper. The calm before the storm, you would say. They hadn’t experienced the worse of the times having cancer and hating yourself. You could tell that they were the ones to get broken sooner or later.” _How could he say that?_ “Anyway, I don’t care about them. You wanted to know why I was staring at you. How about I just say this; I take in everything in life, I observe, and usually that’s why I’m quiet. I don’t care about people, in fact, I hate people. They disgust me and I don’t want people in my life. I observe and act when I need to. If I don’t need to talk, I don’t.” He was confusing me, and his words struck me hard. “Back to my point, I observe things around me, and I especially like to observe the things I find beautiful and fine hopeful for life, and my faith back in humanity.” Wait, did he just say –

“Eh?!” I exclaimed loudly.

“Jesus Christ, be any louder, why fucking don’t you?!” Levi responded with a hiss from his lips. “What? Why did you just explode like dynamite?”

“Y-You…You said you like to…observe beautiful things...” I responded, my voice more shaky than it had been before.

“Why are you stuttering like a schoolgirl?” Levi responded with a grunt of amusement, but also sounding irritated. “Yes, that’s what I said. Your point?”

“—You were…observing me. Does that mean you – think I’m…?” I couldn’t even finish the sentence. Why was I so embarrassed and flushed? What was he doing to me? I sighed deeply and grunted, waiting his answer. He was silent for a few moments, before speaking. He didn’t mean it. Surely, he didn’t think I was beautiful. There’s no way…

“—beautiful. Yes.” He responded, his voice rather calm. How was he so calm after saying such a thing to him?! “What’s wrong with calling someone beautiful?” He questioned, and I just stayed silent. I couldn’t talk. I was speechless, again. How did he keep making me speechless?! Dammit! “I like looking at beautiful things. And I don’t usually come across beautiful people, so when I do, it has effects on me.”

“How could you say such a thing?!”

“Hm?”

“How can you…be so calm…while admitting this to me?!” I was almost yelling, and I had to conceal myself down from shouting. “You’re saying I’m beautiful, you, a man I met today! You’re saying that I’m beautiful! How are you not stuttering and breaking down!? You’re so calm! I don’t understand it!” My eyes were close to tears, and my breath was slowing down, so I breathed in deeply and tried to catch it back up to breath normally.

“You’re so pathetic.” His grumble came through tiredly, and I just sat, panting for my breath. He took his moment to talk, as I couldn’t, it seemed. “Calling someone beautiful doesn’t mean anything, you know.” He responded with a scoff. “I’m just complimenting you on having the ability and the gift of being so beautiful in a world that’s so shitty. Having those glowing green eyes and perfect shaped face, while others like me are given shitty cheek bones and dark eyes with permanent bags under their eyes. I’m just saying you’re lucky, Yaeger, no need to stutter and get so flustered over it.”

He was right.

Why was I so embarrassed and flustered over a little thing like being called beautiful?

What the hell is wrong with me?

I sighed and brought my voice back up. “Sorry, Levi. I just – I never usually get complimented, and the fact that you, a stranger to me, calling me so for the first time in years is just – it takes me away, really. But, whatever, I’m not in the mood for sloppy shit.”

“Aw, really? I was just going to go on about how perfect your body is and how much I want to hug you and kiss you so passionately and take you out for dinner –“

“Piss off.” I muttered with a small smile edging at my lips, shaking my head at his sarcastic tone.

“I know you’re smiling.”

He heart jolted a little at his comment, suddenly he sounded so gentle. “Why, you standing outside my window?”

“Yeah, totally. Just waiting for you to shower then I’m all good.” Levi’s sarcastic tone was back, and then it went and his gentle voice was found again. “No, idiot, I can hear it. I can tell you’re smiling, and I know why you are.” Then, I could hear _his_ smile. “You find me attractive.”

“What?!” I exclaimed, almost throwing the phone out of my hand. “Fucking hell, no! I – When did that become a decision you would come to?!”

“Because you get flustered over my side comments about you, and you wouldn’t if I wasn’t attractive to you.”

“No! I just told you the goddamn reason, idiot!”

“Who’re you calling an idiot?”

I paused, and sighed with a groan. “Sorry, just, no, that’s not it.” I blabbered and sat myself up from my bed.

“Whatever, I’m going to bed anyway. It’s late.” Levi grunted through the phone, and then I looked at the time. 11:30PM. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Eh?! What’s happening tomorrow?”

“Inside your notebook, you’ll find my address. That’s your destination for tomorrow. Now, goodnight, I need my beauty sleep.”

Then, he hung up.

**Author's Note:**

> // Thank you for reading!


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